


Overcome

by Erestorandfin



Series: Corruption [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Corruption, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Interrogation, Threats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27511228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: What happened between Kathryn and Starfleet to take away her trust? Prequel to 'Hell after this'.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway/Other(s)
Series: Corruption [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010556
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25





	1. 'Heroes'

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by ‘Overcome’ by Within Temptation. 
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for the excellent beta work once more!
> 
> Kathryn's thoughts are in Italics.
> 
> As with my previous stories, *************** indicates a change of window/time/location, whereas ~~~ is a change of time within the same window ie morning to night.

Where are the heroes in my time of need?

Is my cry not loud enough, or have they all gone numb?

They just tend to stand out of the rain,

Thinking, but not acting, that they’re not to blame.

Falling and crawling,

A fight to stand up;

Memory still haunts me

In the dead of night.

Over and over

I felt so small.

But one day I’ll be stronger,

And you’d better watch out.

I will overcome

Your violence, their silence

Although it can’t be undone.

I will overcome,

Knowing that I’m not the only one.

I will overcome;

It’s the only way to carry on.

Where are the saviours, afraid of the toll?

Sorry, do my nine inch nails slash your soul?

Such heroes, throwing stones

Straight at the one who is standing alone.

Twisting and turning,

It’s always the same:

The truth is never honest

When you’re to blame

Pushing and pulling,

I never give in;

But one day I wish you’ll see

You’re not so beautiful within.

I will overcome

Your violence, your silence

Although it can’t be undone

I will overcome

Knowing that I’m not the only one

I will overcome

It’s the only way to carry on

Run and run

Run and run

I will overcome

Their violence, your silence

Although it can’t be undone

I will overcome

Knowing that I’m not the only one

I will overcome

It’s the only way to carry on

I will overcome

~~~

Kathryn had barely gotten used to the idea of being home before they came for her. A week of freedom, followed by an official celebration of Voyager’s return, a grand affair she now realised was merely to appease the public. At the end of the night, she had been unobtrusively pulled aside and notified that her debriefing would start the following day. She was quietly escorted, under armed guard no less, to Starfleet accommodation. If she had any remaining doubt as to the tone to expect, hearing her escort order the security lock activated as he left removed it. Still, at least there was a replicator. Not having had any warning, she would otherwise have been limited to what she was wearing, and she didn’t really want to turn up in day old dress uniform.

Unfortunately, while the clothes were perfectly functional, it didn’t seem to be able to manage coffee. Perhaps going in dress uniform wouldn’t have been so bad.

The next morning was the first time she had seen the smug, condescending face of Admiral Stevens, who would be overseeing the proceedings. When she asked about the rest of her crew, he informed her they had been placed on leave, with strict transport restrictions ensuring they could not leave Earth, pending the completion of her debriefing, after which they would decide the appropriate actions to take regarding them.

“What about the many of my crew who do not live here? Are you really going to keep them from their families? Is seven years not enough?” It was hard to swallow her fury, and speak her accusations in a calm voice, but somehow she managed. 

“Our concern is with the upholding of Starfleet standards, and ensuring those who fail to meet what is expected of them are not left to continue their… inappropriate behaviour. It would be in your best interest to fully cooperate with this debriefing, if you wish a speedy removal of these restrictions.”

Debriefing. She wanted to laugh. Trial would be a more appropriate word.

Every single one of her decisions was going to be examined with a fine tooth comb, looking for anything, no matter how small, to prove her unsuitability to wear the Starfleet uniform.

At first, it was exactly as she had expected. Every doubt she had ever had about her actions was laid bare, and she was forced to defend them. As the days passed, they seemed to be moving unbearably slowly through her logs. Her frustration grew, but she refused to let them break her calm, carefully choosing her words as she explained all that she had done. Stevens seemed frustrated by her continuing tranquillity, and she let that strengthen her resolve. As they approached the logs pertaining to the end of their journey, she thought with relief that it would be over soon. However she was disquieted as she noticed a renewed enjoyment in Stevens face, which she wasn’t entirely sure could be attributed to the rebuttal she was about to receive for ‘her’ decision to change the timeline in order to bring Voyager home.

Unsurprisingly, the actions of herself and Admiral Janeway were heavily criticised. Although it had ultimately succeeded, taking anti-Borg technology into the past, into a knowing confrontation with the Borg was reckless. If it had fallen into their hands, they would have wiped out many years of development, putting a great deal more at risk than the inhabitants of one ship. 

Fortunately for her their plan had worked, and the resultant technology was now available to Starfleet much sooner than it would have been, and this seemed to work in her favour. Stevens was clearly unhappy, and Kathryn was sure only the public interest in her and Voyager had prevented him from stripping her of her rank. Besides, they had lost a lot of people during the Dominion War, and removing someone with Janeway’s experience with hostile encounters would give a poor impression of Starfleet’s dedication to rebuilding their forces. 

She was formally reprimanded, and informed in no uncertain terms that Captain would be the highest rank she would be able to achieve with such a mark on her file. Seeming to perk out of his slump, Stevens stated that was their final determinations, and the matter was considered closed.

And then with a grin, the real interrogation began.

The only topic was the former Maquis. They revisited her decision to combine the crews, and every single instance in which one of them was involved. Seven years’ worth of actions of 36 people. And they wanted her to account for every single one of them. Every official log, every work report, and every personal log too. 

Stevens delighted in the early logs, the ones where the Maquis had not hesitated to document their anger about her decision to destroy the array, and their deep distrust of her ability to lead. Surely this was proof of their untrustworthiness, to act and behave according to Starfleet protocol, and yet to so adamantly despise their supposed leader.

Kathryn didn’t hesitate to point out that there would be very few members left in Starfleet if they planned to discharge anyone who complained about their commanding officer, and politely enquired whether any of the admirals present could say they had never disagreed with a decision made by a superior.

At their complete silence, she highlighted that log entries clearly made at a time of high stress, that is finding oneself suddenly stranded 70,000 light-years from home, would be unlikely to be a fair reflection of their character, particularly when the crew members in question were still adapting to Starfleet directives, and were unlikely to be familiar with the expected protocols. And, besides which, personal logs were supposed to be just that, and even those who were familiar with their protocols would view them as a way to sort through their thoughts, not a recording of a professional decision. As well, she had to question the ethical implications of judging people on what was essentially their private thoughts. After all, everyone has thoughts that do not reflect on their integrity as a member of Starfleet, and as part of letting go of such feelings, talking about or reflecting on them should be encouraged.

Unbelievably, she then found herself having to respond to their completely insane counter argument, that Starfleet was in fact entitled to know, and by implication, control, the private thoughts of its members. As she completely eviscerated them for being foolish enough to present such a position, she calmly found herself imagining what it would be like to strangle Stevens with her bare hands. While she ultimately won that point, she decided to keep the thought to herself, just in case. Regardless of their actual ability to punish her for her thoughts, open threats towards the head of her interrogation was probably a poor choice, even if it was clearly appropriate in this situation.

***************

She began to wonder if the plan all along was to keep her here for the rest of her life. That’s how long it was going to take, at any rate. 

It was becoming more difficult to hide her fury from Stevens as he continued to make baseless accusations against her crew. He was not the only one, with a dozen or so others firmly supporting his viewpoint. Only Patterson and Paris openly voiced opposition. They were quickly removed from her investigation due to their past history with her, on the grounds that they could not remain ‘objective’. 

That still left a large number of admirals. They broke her heart the most. At first she had appealed to them, trying to persuade someone, anyone, that this was clearly a disproportionate action, that she had worked with these people for seven years, and knew them to be trustworthy and more than capable of upholding Starfleet expectations. But it made no difference. They knew that what was happening was wrong, that Stevens was driven by a personal agenda, that none of her crew had done anything to warrant this distrust and hate, but they did nothing, determined to look the other way rather than exposing themselves as targets.

Day after day she fought him alone, a crippling battle of words and wits as she faced down whichever team of admirals joined him that day, and not once did a single one raise a word of opposition over the brutality of what she was being subjected to. 

It was not unusual for her to spent 12, 14, occasionally even 16 hours in the ‘hot seat’, as she unaffectionately referred to it, before she was dismissed until the next morning. She had been forcibly isolated since the start of the debriefing, spending the few hours she was free trying desperately to sleep, to regain the energy needed for their next attack. It was clear Stevens would pull every trick in the book in an attempt to get her to fall.

The longer it continued, the more she began to believe she would. She was exhausted, with no downtime to process anything except how she would keep going the next day. It was a struggle to remember what it was like to live among other people, to have conversations about anything that didn’t involve her having to defend herself and her crew. Time seemed to be moving differently too, she really had no idea how long they had been doing this. Wondering how much longer this could continue, how much longer she could keep going.

What had happened to the Starfleet she remembered? 

These people were representatives of humanity, the supposed ‘best and brightest’. But all she could see was a pool of corruption, an unofficial ‘high council’ of a chosen few, running everything the way they wanted it to be, with all others bowing to their will, unsure of who they could trust, of how deep the corruption went. Misinformation, it seemed, was indeed a powerful tool. 

It sickened her, and she found herself starting to lose hope. She was only one person, and despite her best efforts she was making no grounds at all.

***************

Kathryn had drifted into uneasy slumber when she was awoken by an unexpected noise. Sitting up, she looked around confused, trying to locate the source of the disturbance. Then she heard it again, a quiet tapping on her window. Confused, blinking the sleep from her eyes, she rose, heading to the window. As she pulled up the blinds, the light from her room illuminated Owen’s face through the window. Pulling, she tried to open it, but the safety locks only allowed a couple of inches before it refused to go further. It would have been impossible for her to put into words the relief she felt seeing him, seeing a friendly face, even though she knew something must be seriously wrong for him to be here. Despite being used to her own company, it was unimaginably lonely, her only interactions with humans reduced to endless questions, her own attempts to justify and argue and convince Starfleet of their errors. The last friendly face she had seen… it must have been the day before her only support had been removed from her investigation, she realised with a shock. When was that? It felt like a long time ago, but she just didn’t know anymore.

“Katie, you have to listen to me, I can’t stay long. No one is supposed to speak to you outside of the hearings, as you know, and I wouldn’t put it past Stevens to have security stationed through the building to enforce that. If I’m seen here, it will only make things worse for you. 

“I’m sorry to have to say this after all you have been through, Katie, but it’s already over. They are trying to push through charges while you are tied up in your hearing, while you can’t lodge any sort of opposition. That’s why it’s taking so long, why they seem to be dragging you in circles around the same points with no resolution. I know how hard it’s been for you, how you have fought tooth and nail for your crew, but their decision has already been made by Stevens. It doesn’t matter how true what you are saying is, there is no way to beat them. I’m doing what I can, trying to convince my colleagues to give their support, but on the whole they are rather more spineless than one would expect of Starfleet professionals.”

“Why? Why go through all this if they’ve already made up their minds? What can they possibly hope to gain? Surely there has been more than enough time for them to push through charges?”

“Oh Katie.” He sighed, and she thought she had never seen him looking so sad. “This was never about the Maquis. It’s you they want. I don’t think you realise how unique you are. I can’t think of a single other person who would still be going at this point. That’s why they haven’t pushed through charges yet. When Stevens realised how much he had underestimated you, he had to change tack. This wasn’t his original plan, he thought you would break long before now. Do you even realise how long it’s been?”

She shook her head. The only places she had been since this started were here and the interrogation room. She had no need for dates, and no contact with the outside world even if she did. Several weeks she was sure, maybe three or four?

“Two months. It’s been two months.”

Suddenly her complete fatigue made sense. Of course she would be mentally and physically exhausted after the constant barrage of aggression for such a long time. How could it have been two months?

“Two months without a single day to rest between their ‘questions’, without contact with another human being except for them. How could anyone have predicted you could face up to that? We have Cardassian prisoners we treat better than you. I have never been so embarrassed to be a part of Starfleet in my life, and I’ve seen a lot of disgraceful behaviour.”

Kathryn laughed mirthlessly. Clearly they didn’t understand the concept of seven years in the Delta Quadrant. Did they really think she ever turned off completely, even if she wasn’t on duty?

“I don’t understand. Why is he doing this?”

“I think you already realise this is personal for him. It’s about his continued control of Starfleet; until now he has been, for the most part, unopposed, unchallenged. Who would risk their neck with so little chance of success? He already knew you would be dangerous, would challenge the corruption you would surely have uncovered before long. Now he has met you, faced you, I think he realises exactly how powerful you are. He cannot, under any circumstances, allow you to continue with Starfleet. I think you are a fair match for him, Katie, but unfortunately, he holds all the cards. He tried very hard at the start to uncover something, anything he could use as an excuse to discharge you. But he couldn’t find enough to remove you from command, not with the public support for you being as strong as it is. After all, you have achieved the practically impossible, brought people home to families that believed them lost forever. Any action against you would be severely opposed. When it became obvious that you weren’t going to reveal anything to help him build his case, he had to explore other avenues to achieve success.

“The Maquis…Look, we both know they are good people. I’m sure there are very few in Starfleet who have never felt sympathy for what they did, for why they did it. But that’s not the point. Starfleet has very little tolerance for anything except complete submission, and their capacity for holding on to grudges is unrivalled. There is a lot of distrust of them, enough that Stevens could drum up sufficient support to charge them. He is determined to destroy you in whatever way he can, and if that means sending innocent people to the penal colony, he is more than willing to do it. And that is what he is trying to do. “ 

Kathryn’s heart was clenching tightly, realising that the trap was tightening around her, just waiting to spring closed. Now she understood what was happening.

Everything she had done was in vain. She could never have convinced him, made him accept the Maquis, because he cared little either way about them or what they had done. They were only a bargaining chip, a way to push her into a corner. And now she had to decide, whether to stand for justice, to let him know she would not be idle while he destroyed Starfleet and all it had once stood for, or to let herself be caught in his web. If she didn’t, the lives of those she loved, those she had promised to bring home safely, would be forfeit. In her mind, she could see them, only just reunited with their families, the prospect of a future involving more than a desperate quest to get back here, a chance at happiness after so long, only to have it snatched away by one man and his determination to keep power by any means possible.

“I’m sorry Katie, I wish I could tell you something different, but you needed to know what was at stake. To have the choice, for what little it’s worth. If I thought there was any other way…”

“I know. Thank you, Owen. You had better go before it’s too late.”

“It’s your choice, Katie. There are two battles ahead, and you can only fight one of them. Only you know what you can live with. Don’t let him decide for you.” 

So everything came down to her, the choice she had to make. But she knew it was no choice at all. The bitter thought that after all she had been through, in the end it was Starfleet that would strip her of her ideals, for all she had clung to them. They say everyone has a price, and it seemed Stevens knew what it would cost for her to surrender her principles. 

She had no option but to do exactly as he wanted. 

Just like the silent admirals she had grown to despise, she would look the other way. Each of them, including her, were now every bit as responsible for his actions as he was. 

She hoped she could find a way to live with it.

***************

“Before we start, I would like to request to speak to you privately, Sir.”

His face didn’t change, but she could see the triumph in his eyes. He nodded, and she followed him to the small individual interview room attached to the larger meeting room. He mockingly held the door for her and she brushed past him. 

“You are ready to press charges against the former Maquis?” There was no reason not to be direct, she wanted this over with and to get away from him, from his presence which had cast a shadow over the last two months of her life, and likely the rest of it too.

“Yes.”

“Don’t. The rest of the committee might feel anger towards them, but I know you don’t care one way or the other. It’s all just a deception, isn’t it?” He tilted his head slightly, but said nothing.

“I expect you to pardon them, and to offer them positions within Starfleet. That shouldn’t be too hard, considering you have no real concerns about the ‘danger’ they present to Starfleet and its ideals.” She couldn’t help but laugh as she said ‘ideals’, though she felt anything but humorous.

“A week from now, we will hold a formal debriefing for all of Voyager’s crew. We will announce that following examination of Voyager’s logs, and an investigation into your personal conduct, we have decided Voyager’s actions to be entirely appropriate, and therefore there is no need to investigate the conduct of individual members of your crew. This will be followed by a ceremonial dinner where we will remove the restrictions on their movement, and offer the option to stay with Starfleet to those who want it. Officially, we will offer you Voyager after the refit.”

Kathryn nodded.

“You can have my resignation the second it’s over. I’m sure you understand my reluctance to take your word on this.” He had expected nothing less, but it concerned him little. It was clear that she would do nothing to jeopardise the futures of her former crew.

“You know, I truly have enjoyed our discussions, _Captain_ Janeway, it’s almost a shame that it’s all over. I really thought that you might be different, I’ve never seen someone so determined, so principled. I must admit to being a little disappointed to find that under it all, you really are simply human like everyone else. So willing to give up your beliefs if the right pressure is applied. Such a pity.” Stevens was unbearable in his triumph. His delight could not be contained.

“I won’t forget this, Stevens. You may have bought my silence, but one day you will face justice for what you are doing.”

“I don’t think so, Janeway. You think I haven’t taken down bigger fish than you? Don’t be so naïve. As long as I breathe, Starfleet is mine. You have no idea of the depths of my control, the power I have over those whose support keeps it that way. Now, I suggest you stop pushing me, before I decide to change the price of their freedoms. I don’t think there is anything you would refuse, is there?”

Feeling sick to her stomach as she processed his words, his eyes on her, she flushed, unconsciously taking a step back from him. Finding the wall directly behind her, the room suddenly felt much smaller, like a cage. He was right, she did feel naïve for not seeing this coming, for not understanding he would not let go of control easily. Her eyes flicked towards the door.

“They aren’t there, they left the moment I closed it. They know it’s over.”

Kathryn looked him straight in the eye, not letting the fearful racing of her heart show on her face. She knew men like him, knew he wanted her fear, wanted her to feel helpless. But he was wrong to think she would believe anything he offered her in exchange for her body. It might have worked on a fresh cadet, but she knew any concession she made, any doubt she showed that he would keep his word, would give him further power, reduce the likelihood of him ever letting her out of his grasp. She had made her offer, and she had to believe he would accept it, would not risk losing her resignation even if she refused him. He was pushing her in response to her aggression, but she was done bending for him. 

He was so close now, completely blocking the path to the exit. She couldn't leave without pushing past him, which was exactly what he wanted. He was going to kiss her. There was nowhere for her to go. 

With a sinking feeling, she realised this wasn’t the first time he had done this. And she was responsible for letting him continue. The weight of her choice suddenly seemed to get heavier on her shoulders. But rather than letting this feeling control her, she felt her fury awakening again. Kathryn had never hated anyone the way she hated him. There was nothing he wouldn’t do, nothing he wouldn’t try to corrupt for his own benefit. She had no power to stop him from continuing to debase Starfleet, but she would not let him take anything from her.

She weighed up her options. He was much larger than she was, and although his training would be more out of date than hers, she doubted she could overpower him if it came to a fight. It would be risky too, the rush of adrenaline that would follow a physical altercation would put her in more danger if she lost. Although she generally distrusted him, she had no doubt that when he said there was no one else around, he was telling the truth, so she couldn’t rely on any assistance.

What she needed was some way to get an advantage, to put him off balance for long enough for her to get between him and the door. An uneasy thought hit her, making her feel sick, but it might work. Nothing else came to her, and if she didn’t decide now, she would lose the opportunity. She took a deep breath, and a step forward. Before he could move, her lips met his angrily, a kiss filled with fire and hate. This wasn’t what he wanted, it was not the kiss of someone under his control, of someone who feared him. His shock was apparent, for one second losing his composure, and she thought she might have seen a flicker of alarm in his eyes. Unsure when his power over her had broken. She was unlike anyone he had ever met, and her unpredictability concerned him. He was deeply unsettled.

Relief filled her as she saw that her gamble had had the desired effect. Distracted by her unexpected response to his threat, he was unprepared when her hands found his chest and pushed hard. Staggering backwards, he hit the wall of the room with a thud. Moving forwards, she placed herself between him and the door, she would not allow him to cut off her escape again. 

She looked at him with disgust.

“That was the only time I will ever touch you, unless I have the pleasure of hastening your death one day. I will look away from this travesty you are committing in our once great organisation, because you have something I want. But I assure you, Sir, if you spoke to that ‘something’ of mine, they would warn _you_ against pushing _me_. I don’t like threats, and you are spectacularly fortunate to be in the position to make one without risk. So, if I were you, I wouldn’t be thinking about whether I can get more from this situation. I would be asking myself, ‘What is there to hold Janeway back if I send the Maquis to prison?’” Her eyes were blazing, words cold, calculated, filled with the warning of danger.

“And you know what I’d say, Stevens? I’d say Starfleet has been my whole life, there is very little else. The only other thing I care about is my crew, my friends, and there is nothing that can keep me from protecting them. If you break your word, if you hurt them or pursue them in any way, I can promise you, I have no ties to hold me back. So you _will_ exonerate the former Maquis, you _will_ offer them a place in Starfleet, for all that’s worth now, and you _will_ accept my resignation in payment. There is nothing else I will offer you. You have spent two months trying to break me, with little success. If you want to reject my offer, to continue this farce, be my guest. I have spent the last seven years knowing I could die at any moment, so if you think you scare me, you have vastly overestimated your importance. Take this opportunity to make next week the last you see of me, or you will find out what life is like with me around, my only desire to make your life as difficult as possible even if it kills me.”

Holding his gaze for a few seconds, she projected only strength, willing him to believe what she said. Inside she didn’t feel half as confident as she sounded. But it was the only chance, the only way she might get out of this, get away from him. Could he really risk calling her bluff? 

At his silence, she turned from him and left without another word. She made herself walk slowly until she was several corridors away, until he could no longer hear her footsteps, before she broke into a run, hastily seeking out the nearest bathroom to rid herself of the deep revulsion she felt in her stomach.

***************

The debriefing and celebration went exactly as expected. It was so wonderful to see everyone again, although she didn’t get the opportunity to actually interact with them. Stevens had manoeuvred it so she was sitting with the Starfleet admiralty, supposedly as a show of respect towards her for getting everyone home. But she knew he wanted to keep his eye on her, make sure she kept her side of their deal. 

But at least she got to see them once more. As soon as this was over, as soon as she gave him her resignation, she was leaving. The weight of the secret she had to keep was heavy on her mind. In the last week she had done little other than think, and it was the only way she thought she could keep it. Eyes wandering over the assembled crew, she could pick out at least three or four who she was not capable of lying to, not to the extent that would be required. Only in solitude could she do what she needed to. 

As though he had felt her eyes, Chakotay’s head turned and he met her gaze. This was the longest they had been apart for a very long time, and he clearly wanted to speak to her, to find out what had happened over the last few months. The crew had no idea about the depth of her interrogation, had been informed she too had been on leave until only two weeks ago. Her breath caught, and she could feel Stevens watching closely, as he had all night, trying to identify where her weaknesses lay. She could not give him Chakotay. She rolled her eyes and looked away, as though irritated by his supposedly unwanted interest in her. Resuming a conversation with the Admiral to her other side, she tried not to notice the brief flash of hurt and confusion on his face as she showed her clear disinterest. It was for the best really, perhaps her disdain would stop him trying to find her, make him realise she didn’t want to be found.

When she felt Chakotay’s eyes leave her, she gave it a few moments before sliding an envelope to Stevens. Their eyes met, and after a moment he nodded. She discreetly excused herself, with all the impressions of someone who would be back momentarily. They both knew she wouldn’t. 

Kathryn forced herself not to look back at Chakotay before she disappeared from his life completely. She knew it was too late for them; regardless of what happened with Starfleet, she should have let him know he had her heart long ago. It wasn’t his fault for moving on after the way she had put her other priorities so obviously ahead of him. But she had always pictured him when she thought of the future, would not have given up his friendship no matter how much it would have hurt to see him with Seven. Part of him was better than none, and she would gladly have taken what she could get.

Only now did she realise this was the true cost of their freedom. Stevens might have destroyed her trust in Starfleet, but at some point during the last seven years, without her even knowing it, her dreams of becoming an Admiral had been superseded by her heart’s desire for him. 

Starfleet no longer mattered to her, and she couldn’t wait to leave it behind her. 

But the idea of living the rest of her life without Chakotay was unbearable. 


	2. Shots in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by ‘Shot in the Dark’ by Within Temptation.
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for the excellent beta work once more!
> 
> Kathryn's thoughts are in Italics.
> 
> As with my previous stories, *************** indicates a change of window/time/location, whereas ~~~ is a change of time within the same window ie morning to night.

I've been left out alone like a damn criminal

I've been praying for help cause I can't take it all

I'm not done,

It’s not over.

Now I'm fighting this war since the day of the fall

And I'm desperately holding on to it all

But I'm lost,

I'm so damn lost

Oh I wish it was over

And I wish you were here

Still I'm hoping that somehow…

Cause your soul is on fire,

A shot in the dark

What did they aim for when they missed your heart?

I breathe underwater,

It’s all in my hands

What can I do?

Don’t let it fall apart

A shot in the dark

In the blink of an eye, I can see through your eyes

As I'm lying awake I'm still hearing the cries

And it hurts,

Hurts me so bad

And I'm wondering why I still fight in this life

Cause I've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife

And it's sad,

It’s so damn sad

Oh I wish it was over

And I wish you were here

Still I'm hoping that somehow…

Cause your soul is on fire,

A shot in the dark

What did they aim for when they missed your heart?

I breathe underwater,

It’s all in my hands

What can I do?

Don’t let it fall apart

A shot in the dark

I feel you fading away

~~~

“Thanks for letting me leave my things here, it just didn’t seem worth finding a place now when I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back.”

She had collaborated with Starfleet’s official line in order to give herself a good excuse to disappear. It would take some time for Voyager to be refitted, and she was ‘on leave’ until then. 

Kathryn smiled at her mother, but the returned smile was filled with suspicion and worry. Gretchen had not bought her story at all, but she knew her daughter better than anyone and was aware she would do whatever she had planned, regardless. 

“Keep in touch please, I don’t think I could take another seven years worrying that you might be dead.”

She pulled her mother close, hugging her tightly, trying to chase away the pain she had caused, weighed down by the knowledge that she wouldn’t be back. Guilty for the pain she had yet to inflict. 

“I’ll be fine, if I can survive the Delta Quadrant I think I can handle backpacking for a while. I just want to take this chance to explore what there is here on Earth while I still have my feet on the ground. The time to myself will be good for me, it’s been a long time since I could just be Kathryn. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’ll let you know how I’m doing, okay?” 

Kathryn felt her nodding against her shoulder, and Gretchen’s embrace tightened around her, filling her with an all-encompassing feeling of safety. She didn’t want to leave the protection of her mother’s arms, but she knew she had to. Lying to her had been every bit as difficult as she had expected, and the longer she stayed, the harder it became. Breaking away, she picked up her large backpack, filled with clothes and the few small personal items she couldn't bear to be parted from. 

“Please be careful, Katie.”

“I will, I promise. I love you, mom.”

“I love you, too. Stay safe.”

***************

It was dark by the time Kathryn arrived at her new accommodation. It was nothing special, a relatively small one bedroom apartment, with enough space in the living room to set up a desk. The kitchen was cramped, but if there was anything seven years on Voyager had taught her, it was to spend as little time cooking as possible.

Unpacking her clothes, she came across the small silver pocket watch she had carefully wrapped in a soft nightgown to keep it safe. As she flicked it open, she remembered when he gave it to her, how her fascinated eyes had followed the quick ticking of the second hand in delight as it danced around the face. Neither of them had acknowledged it, but the underlying message had been clear.

_Whatever time you need, Kathryn._

It was still now, at some point the battery or the mechanism must have reached its limit.

_How ironic, that for so long I did nothing, didn’t appreciate what I had. And now all I have is time, only to find that it’s too late._

It wouldn’t have been difficult to fix, to replace the battery. But she just couldn’t do it. Their time to be together was over, and nothing could change that. It seemed more fitting to keep it as it was, every component exactly as he’d given it to her. Closing it, she held it tightly in her hand, pressing it against her chest, against her heart, and for once allowed herself a moment of grief. He had given her time, so much time, and she had assumed it would never run out. 

Lovingly she placed it on her bedside table where it was within easy reach.

The only other possession she’d brought was a holopicture of them. It had been taken at the luau, he must have said something humorous because she was laughing and leaning slightly forward, arm still looped around Chakotay’s. She didn’t remember what he had said, but she remembered the pleasure of the moment. Sighing as she looked at Chakotay, she could see he had eyes only for her, gazing at her in devotion, clearly delighted to see her so happy. 

God, she loved and hated this picture in equal measure. There was nothing else that so perfectly depicted their relationship. Chakotay’s dedication to her, his selfless determination to make her happy while accepting what little hope she offered him. Her own obliviousness to the truth, not realising what they had, what she was letting slip by. Even in the delight of the moment, not understanding its significance.

At the time it had been inconsequential, just another function they had attended together as command duo. There had been nothing romantic about it, but looking back, she regretted not realising how special it had been. She could still remember how she’d felt that night, when she had let her guard down for a moment and simply been Kathryn. It was more than happiness, it was joy, it was contentment. The sharp pain was too much, she had to look away for a moment, reminded of what could, and should have been. Realising he would never look at her that way, or any other way, again.

Everything else she owned, she had left behind, trying to distance herself from any connections to her former life. But as much as she tried, she couldn’t leave these. 

She took a deep breath, running her finger gently over the image.

“Oh Chakotay, I wish I could have said goodbye properly.”

She sighed. 

“Goodbye, Chakotay.”

She placed the photo face down in the drawer of her bedside table so she couldn’t see it, and slid it shut. She wasn’t that person anymore, had left Kathryn behind with her resignation. That future was gone, her future was gone. Now she had to live this life. 

“Goodbye, Kathryn Janeway.”

***************

Her first thought was how bland the office appeared, but then, what had she envisioned. She understood that her responsibilities revolved around the processing and proofing of scientific data, and while important, she hardly expected it to be thrilling. Still, at least it was vaguely related to her background, and perhaps it would prove more interesting than she assumed.

“Hello! I’m Jeremy, and you must be our new data processor?” He seemed friendly enough. Kathryn was unfamiliar with being greeted so casually, but, she supposed, with time she would get used to it. She took the hand he offered and shook it.

“Yes. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jeremy, I’m…”

There was a brief pause as she considered how she would feel to be Kathryn to these people who barely knew her, after holding the name so tightly for the last seven years. She had left so much behind, what was one more thing?

“Kate. Call me Kate.”

***************

She was walking past Stevens as he held the door for her. The room was uncomfortably cramped with the small table, chairs, and the two of them. 

Once more, she resisted the urge to shudder as she understood the implication of his words, countering with her own aggression, clearly stating she would not give him what he wanted. Their eyes met as he pondered her words, trying to decide whether she was bluffing. Her eyes remained unreadable, cold, firmly projecting strength. 

His eyes darkened.

“I don’t believe you.”

And that was all it took to crush her hope. She had pushed, had gambled that he would believe that she would walk away, leave the Maquis’ fate in his hands rather than let him have her. Had been so sure that he could not risk calling her bluff, but she had been wrong, and now she had no option. 

He knew the exact moment she broke, her head dropping ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly. 

This time she let him kiss her, not resisting as he pulled her against him. Desperately she tried to block him out of her mind, imagine she was somewhere, anywhere else as he pushed her over the table, his hands sending repulsion through her.

He had been right. 

The price of refusal was too high.

~~~

Waking in a sweat, she stumbled from her bed, chest heaving as she fled to the bathroom before her nausea overwhelmed her.

It wasn’t the first time she had had this nightmare. As often as she told herself it wasn’t real, she knew it was. Maybe not for her, but she had no doubt he had put others in the same position, others who had been unable to say no, or whose no was ignored.

And for all her dream twisted reality, the memory of his lips on hers was real. It had been her choice, she had made the decision, but that didn’t make it any more wanted, or any less disturbing. As long as she lived, she knew she would never be able to let go of the memory. But she would never speak of it, or think of it, except in her dreams where she couldn’t stop it. 

She couldn’t go on like this. The knowledge of what she had lost, of how she had done nothing to prevent him from continuing to act this way, was destroying her. 

She had to find a way to forget. 

***************

Kathryn’s nose wrinkled as a wave of heat and smell hit her. For a moment she considered turning back, but she couldn’t face the thought of her empty apartment, filled with her memories and regret. The noise was overwhelming as she descended down the stairs, eyes adapting to the darkness lit only by strobes of light, and she could see what looked like the bar on the other side of the club. Carefully picking her way through the crowd, she ordered two shots of tequila from one of the women behind the bar. 

It burned her throat as she downed it but she persevered, adding the second shot to the first. She found herself watching the dancing bodies in fascination, noting the freed abandon with which pairs came together, feeling only the heat and passion of being close. Sighing, she tried to keep her own mind from drifting back to Chakotay. The shots had done nothing to calm her mind. She took another two.

Standing awkwardly, she felt so out of place here. She had thought the alcohol would relax her, help her to forget the thoughts that threatened to drown her in despair. Two more shots.

Eyes running around the room, she noted various couples half hidden in shadows around the edges of the room, pressed together against the walls, engaged in a different sort of dance. Her cheeks flushed at the openness at which bodies were being shared. Shots seven and eight swiftly joined the rest.

Still nothing, she noted in distress. Her heart was beating a little faster now though, a small thread of desire to feel like those she could see dancing, to know nothing but the heat and desire of letting go, mind clear and free from regret. 

Shortly after she took the next two shots, she suddenly felt a wave of dizziness wash over her, a hand grabbing the bar to stabilise herself. Despite this, her thoughts were starting to slip away, becoming aware only of the noise and heat surrounding her. It would have been blissful if she wasn’t finding it increasingly difficult to remain upright. Panting as she tried to remain in control, nausea rushed to her stomach. She jumped as she felt a gentle touch on her shoulder. Trying to turn she stumbled, only just managing to catch herself before she fell. It was one of the women from behind the bar, she was saying something, but Kathryn couldn’t understand. The hand became firmer, cautiously steering her into the back of the club, careful to make sure she didn’t fall. 

The music was slightly quieter here.

She was gently manoeuvred into a sitting position, legs pushed up in front of her so she could lean her head forward and rest it there on her arms. If she had the ability to think objectively about what was happening, she undoubtedly would have objected to the childlike manner in which she was being treated. 

“Drink.” A glass of water pressed against her lips, and she blindly obeyed, suddenly aware of her body telling her it was dehydrated. 

“Just keep breathing slowly, okay? I’ll check on you shortly.”

Barely understanding the words or where she was, Kathryn didn’t respond. Resting her head forward again, she was aware only of her breathing and nothing more.

The woman visited her at several points, each time ensuring she drank more water. Over time Kathryn felt some of her functions starting to return, although she still felt deeply out of control. She shakily held her hand out, testing her body’s response to her commands and was pleased to see it mostly obey.

The next time the woman came back, Kathryn asked for her help to stand, feeling she should leave now.

“Be careful, you still have a lot of alcohol to process. I saw how many shots you took; I’m going to guess from your reaction this is pretty new to you?”

Kathryn nodded, a wave of fuzzy confusion washing over her as she did.

“Look, whatever you are trying to forget, seriously think about finding another way to deal with it. Alcohol won’t make it go away for long, I’ve seen a lot of people doing what you are. It doesn’t end well.” 

Kathryn’s face clearly showed her unwillingness to take the advice. 

“If you can’t be dissuaded, you need to pace yourself. It takes at least half an hour for alcohol to work; if you take so many shots in quick succession like you did tonight, it’s a sure fire way to end up incapacitated. Let it start to work before drinking more, okay?”

The woman sighed, clearly frustrated. She had given this talk many times before.

“You should be okay to go now. But please, reconsider doing this again. Whoever, or whatever it is, it’s not worth doing this to yourself.”

Even as she left Kathryn, it was clear from her face that she knew she would see her back here again.

~~~

Kathryn groaned before she was even aware she was awake, a pounding migraine splitting her head open. Sunlight was slipping into her room through a gap in the curtains, and she pulled the covers over her face, trying to stop the stabbing pain the light caused. 

Lying alone, debilitated by the effects of her hangover, she found her thoughts returning in full force, even more powerless to resist than normal due to her fragile state. The morning was complete agony, every regret playing over and over in her mind, heightened by her physical symptoms. Every time she moved even slightly, a new wave of nausea and pain rocked her. 

Eventually drifting into an uneasy sleep, she imagined Chakotay was here. Kathryn could feel him resting cool fingers on her burning forehead, one hand stroking her hair to soothe her. Soft words of love calmed her, his promise that she would never need to be alone. 

Waking as her body told her it needed to be sick, her heart was crushed by the leftover emotions from the dream, confronted by the reality of her situation. Helpless to suppress her tears, she found herself sinking into despair.

***************

The soft breathing next to her was the first thing she noticed as she returned to awareness. It was still dark, she couldn’t have been asleep for more than a few hours. Although there was still the faint memory of alcohol in her system, it was not enough to calm her mind and suddenly all her thoughts, all her memories rushed back in an aggressive swirl of emotions.

Starfleet. Stevens. Betrayal. Voyager. Loss. Chakotay. Heartbreak. Misery.

The last memory she had of him as he looked at her in hurt at the debriefing dinner. 

The feeling of being utterly and completely alone.

Alcohol would be no use to her now, would take too long to work, and there was still so much time until dawn. Her eyes flicked to the warm body beside her. Finding his lips, she kissed him gently, pressing her still naked body against his, and it wasn’t long before he responded, kissing her back, successfully dislodging some of her thoughts. Hands found her, softly caressing, stroking before she was rolled underneath him. 

As their fervour increased, she felt most of her thoughts quieten as the fog of arousal and lust filled her mind. But she just couldn’t shake the memory of Chakotay.

Bitterly she thought how she had never let herself be his in all the time he had wanted her. But now he had moved on, now she had left that life behind, she could no longer see herself in any other way. Guilt filled her, as though she was giving something that was his to someone else. 

_Please, just let me have some peace. Just for a moment. I just want to feel this._

Her mind finally obeyed her wishes as he pushed into her, and all she felt was the movement of their bodies, the fire he had reignited in her. Arching up, she responded to his actions without reservation, fully immersed in their passionate drive for release. 

She was too sober to fantasise, to pretend she was with him, but as long as her mind was quiet, she would take what she could get.

***************

It became easier each night to seek out blissful oblivion. Much like life on Voyager, routine was the backbone enabling her to ensure everything kept going as it should. With experience had come the ability to judge how much to drink to keep her mind clear, to recognise when it was starting to lose its hold.

Every warm body allowed her to escape reality for another night, but left her feeling no less isolated.

When she had been interrogated by Starfleet, under their disapproving and judgmental eyes, she had found herself uncontrollably reminded of Sartre, and the idea that ‘hell is other people’. At the time, she had realised how long she had held her own value to be a reflection of others’ perceptions, and the lack of freedom this conferred.

However, the longer she continued, the more she began to understand her own reality. Even the idea of disapproval now seemed desirable, because at least that way, someone was seeing her, there was some proof she existed in the world.

The scent of warm bodies hit her as she opened the door.

No, she thought, descending the familiar stairs once more and disappearing into the darkness.

Hell was here, and she was here alone.

~End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s notes: As far as I can remember, there was no confirmation that Chakotay still gave Janeway the watch in the corrected timeline of Year of Hell. However I have chosen to believe he did, and without the situation of desperation in the original timeline, Kathryn was able to accept it without the guilt that we saw when she rejected it. 
> 
> The phrase 'hell is other people' comes from a play called 'no exit' by Jean-Paul Sartre, and the meaning behind it is widely contended/debated. This is my very basic interpretation as KJ might view it.


	3. Epilogue

Once upon a time she would have felt the eyes on her, would have known someone was watching. But her senses were dulled from alcohol, her curiosity and awareness of the world worn down by the emptiness she was trying to forget. 

The dark eyes never left her, every part of him completely focused on her until she disappeared from view. Overwhelmed by the feeling of relief at his discovery, it took a few minutes before he was able to follow. 

Finally, he had found her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This immediately precedes the sequel, 'Hell after this'. I hope you have all enjoyed a little bit more of the backstory. 
> 
> The sequel to 'Hell after this' is currently in process, and hopefully I will be ready to share part 1 with you all at some point soon!

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
